Making Things New

The blogging world and my past have crashed into each other. My ex-husband got a woman pregnant 8 years and 9 months ago. It is one reason why I finally ended things with him since he kept it a secret from me even having the woman bring the baby to stay at my apartment while I was visiting my mom once. I found out and kicked him out of the apartment. Stacey moved in 4 months later so Ben has always maintained that we broke up because of Stacey, totally forgetting that he hid a child with another woman from me.

I don’t keep things from my kids, but this wasn’t my thing to tell them and so some of them knew and others didn’t. Apparently Gabe didn’t know anything about it at all. In trying to maintain my children’s view of their dad, I screwed myself and let them think that I was the reason that our marriage failed. Anyway, the lady blogs and we crossed blog paths. She is a really good writer, which I hate because I want her to suck at everything. She has 7 kids and has become an Orthodox Christian. (God has a sense of humor) so here we are. Two women who have kids who are siblings and who have found Christ in the years since Ben has been out of our lives. And we both blog.
I found all of this out after going to confession and confessing how hard it is for me to let go of grudges. And then the biggest grudge of all shows up: an 8 year old little girl with my son’s piecing blue eyes. The child that I didn’t get to have because I was talked into tying my tubes to be “responsible” while the man who talked me into it had this child with someone else.
Here I am looking at pictures of this little girl and her mother trying to control my anger and hurt and disgust at myself for being jealous of how cute she is and how much better of a writer her mother is than me. All of my sins are so obvious right now. Now I am preparing how I’m going to tell my kids about them and that they live 15 minutes from us. My daughter who has always thought she is the baby and her daddy’s girl, even if he sucked as a father, atleast she had that. Now, I have to tell her she has a little sister and hope that she takes it ok.

Maybe I’m the one taking I hard and my kids will be ok with it. Every time that I think I’m making spiritual progress, the past comes up and slaps me in the face.

Both of us have converted to Christ and I hope that our faith in Him makes this mess something beautiful. Maybe this is His way of making things new.

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8 thoughts on “Making Things New

  1. I am new to this blog– thanks for your writing. I love how forthright you are and how passionately you love the Lord! Thanks….and yes, He indeed makes all things new….He does not “waste” anything in our life! Blessings…

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  2. Your raw honesty is really such a grace to the blogging world. Thank you for sharing your struggles! And many prayers for you dealing with such a weird, difficult situation!

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  3. I’ve been thinking about this since reading it yesterday. Two things: this man must have a lot of good buried inside, to attract two high-caliber women, and to create such Goodness in the world, in the expression of your children. Secondly, yes, echoing with prayers and admiration. Our priest has been doing talks about prayer, and how often the measure of our life is in a certain ‘hour’, and how much we we need intimacy through prayer to continue morally and sanely in this life. I’m garbling his point but I can pray! I actual wondered about the other other woman (mother of your stepchildren) when reading one of your recent posts, but here you have many facets to manage and protect. Invisible ink: moving to Alaska is still a standing invite!

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  4. The problems in my life look nothing like yours, at least on paper. I have no idea why you speak to my heart so very strongly. I just know that you never cease to amaze me and teach me and bring me closer to Jesus in a way that no other writer does, since I finished reading all of C.S. Lewis. It’s late at night and I am up because I am really hurting from an estrangement with my daughter. I just sent her an angry email, which didn’t really solve anything, and I am sitting here hurting and I thought, “I bet Leticia Adams will have something that will help me.” So here I am, and why this post helps I could not tell you, but somehow you make me feel much less alone in trying to love the people in my life who don’t love me.

    I think it is partly the new title of your blog.

    P.S. Alaska is too cold and way too dark during a lot of the year. Come to Maryland. Also, the Pope comes here sometimes.

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