7 Quick Takes Vol 9 (I think)


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This will be a highly emotionally fueled 7 Quick Takes, I’m just warning you now.

1.

I’m in this weird place where I am not a cradle Catholic but new converts who are on fire for Jesus and in the Honeymoon stage really make me want to barf. I am sure that it’s mostly jealously that I am no longer in that phase and in the potty training stage for Converts and I have NO DESIRE To use the freaking potty. It’s not them, it’s me and when they try to make me feel better by telling me to search for “Jesus in my heart”, I really want to punch them in the face. Maybe some other converts have been in this potty training stage and can pray for me.

2.

The same thing is happening with newlyweds. For the past few months when I go to confession there is a wedding going on and I have to fight the urge to run up to that happy couple laughing hysterically and telling them to remember this happy moment because it’s all a trick, they will wake up hating their life one day. Mark.my.words.

3.

Apparently life isn’t very easy for me right now, as you can see. This week has sucked. The ups and downs of married life, of being a mother, of being a daughter are all a bit too much for me to handle gracefully at the moment. I would love nothing more than to just drop this whole becoming a saint act and just go get wasted and laid.

4.

I can’t do #3 because I have found the Truth. I sat in front of the Tabernacle in the chapel that I was married in yesterday and I realized that there is no other place for me to go. I have found the words of everlasting life and as much as they FREAK me out, I don’t belong anywhere else but here.

5.

I married my first husband when I was 20 years old. I’m now 36, about to be 37 in 2 months, which means that I’ve dealt with addicts for 17 years now and barely yesterday I figured out that I’m not crazy. Everything I’ve seen in these past 17 years is what addiction is. Including addicts making you feel crazy and making everyone else think you’re crazy. I have no idea what to do except keep sitting in front of the Tabernacle begging Jesus to hear me.

6.

I do wonder though if maybe people give addicts a free pass in saying they have a disease. A very powerful habitual sin fueled by chemical dependency, yes, but a legion of demons can not make us do anything. Our free will is pretty powerful, so somewhere isn’t there a choice that they need to take personal responsibility for? I don’t know, but any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

7.

I don’t suffer well. I hate suffering, I hate being sad and I hate having my life flipped upside down over something that I have no control over. I really wish that I had some wise words to blog about or a happy 7 QT to write, but I don’t. Life sucks. And even then, in all its suckiness, I know that Jesus is real. I think He might be on a cruise and isn’t receiving my messages, but I know He is real and alive. That knowledge is not based on feelings. If I was basing what I know to be true on feelings, I would say that all of this is just a bunch of bullshit that people make up to feel better about why we suffer. No, my knowledge is based on all the times that I have seen God step in and make things new. Including my life. I know Who to give thanks to for being alive, even in the middle of all this pain: God. He is good.

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For more Quick Takes (Hopefully some more cheerful ones) go see Conversion Diary.

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8 thoughts on “7 Quick Takes Vol 9 (I think)

  1. Hang in there. I’m not your spiritual director so I can’t speak with any authority on this, but it sounds like you might be experiencing a dark night of the soul, when you feel distant from God but at the same time feel you must cling to him. It’s a time when God removes his “spiritual candies” for whatever reason He has for doing so. He loves you and wishes to be with you forever. Whatever He is doing now, no matter how it seems to you now, He’s doing it for your benefit, though you and I understand it less than my toddler understands why she can’t have the scissors.

    Keep up the good work, it’s easy to pray when we are energized by spiritual favors, it’s much harder to keep praying when things are glum. In this respect you are far stronger than me (a spiritual failing I must address myself!).

    If I might recommend a book,

    http://www.amazon.com/Fire-Within-Teresa-Gospel-On-Prayer/dp/0898702631

    God bless you, keep the faith! I will pray for you.

  2. Sometimes it’s hard. And sometimes God teaches us really tough things. I’m in the process of God forcing humility down my throat, so I know! But you will get through this, and you will have wisdom on the other side that you will be glad you have. Note that I am not saying that you will have fun. But if you just keep going on the path that God has called you to, you will be better off in the long run.

  3. You really are not crazy, but see things much more clearly than most do. You’ve got my utmost respect. As to the interplay of addiction and personal choice, yes, people do have choices to take personal responsibility for. When they are that deep in addiction, the choice that they have to make usually comes down to getting whatever help is necessary to help make the change. Remember, mortal sin has 3 requirements (grave matter, sufficient reflection, and full consent of the will). True addiction affects that 3rd one, lessening someone’s culpability. But, if they really are repentant and want to change, they’ve still got a choice to get help or not to get help. Without it, it’s Einstein’s definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. I know, I’ve been there.

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