When I landed in my first RCIA class I was a hot mess. And I mean a.hot.mess. I had open gaping wounds from being abused as a child, having been in abusive relationship after abusive relationship, and a very hard heart. I never doubted that God existed or that He loved me, but I had decided that the God that was in the Bible was no longer my God. I no longer loved or accepted Him the way He really was; instead I started making Him in my image instead of even attempting at making myself to conform to His Image. I was also extremely angry, depressed, and I was a drunk. I wore clothes that revealed as much cleavage as possible and I didn’t pass by a mirror without looking at it. I spent tons of money on clothes, shoes, my hair and my nails. I enjoyed the attention that I got from men falling over themselves when I walked by. I was also pretty damn selfish. I have had 4 years to work on most of these faults and many many more.
But here’s the thing, even in changing those things I still failed. My conversion was a pretty big deal in my life. Jesus came into my life flipping tables like crazy. I had a true life personal encounter with Jesus Christ. He has changed my life. I have begun to heal for all of those things, but I still fail. For example, instead of being immodest I became ashamed of my body. I started eating and gaining weight because it was a safe way to make sure nobody looked at me. I wore stretchy pants and t-shirts for a year straight, which helped with the weight gain because I had no way of knowing what size pant I was in. I also expected my husband to coddle me because of my abuse and past relationships so I started being a cry baby and not taking responsibility for my family. I started using the Parish as an escape from my duties as a wife and mother. I was still angry, only now my anger was towards pro-choicers, cafeteria Catholics, and whoever else didn’t fall in line with my beliefs. In other words, I became a self-righteous jerk. It is so easy to fall into the trap of the echo chamber. Where you get a group of like-minded people and you sit around talking crap about all those people who are “so lost” in a way that has nothing to do with wanting the salvation of their souls, but rather is all about fueling the pride boiling in your own soul.
In both cases I failed to be who God made me. Both versions of me were deeply rooted in pride. The only difference is that after my encounter with Jesus I allowed God to show me my pride. I allowed Him to humble me and it hurt. He is such a truly Loving and Merciful God; I love Him. The last year has been hard. It has been full of me seeing who I had become and slowly start changing. Rooting out a lifelong pride of self is not easy. There is a reason that Jesus called it “dying to self”, because it does feel like you are dying sometimes. I definitely feel like I’m dying sometimes. But it is all worth it. After every trial I feel the Love of God so strong that I just want to lie down and cry tears of pure gratefulness. While I’m in the middle of a trial of faith I don’t feel so great, in fact, I usually want to throw in the towel and just become “spiritual but not religious”. I have quit going to Mass a time or two during some of the hardest moments, but I just keep clinging to Jesus. I look at him hanging on the Cross and I just hang on for dear life. He is my lifesaver. Literally. He keeps me afloat when I feel like I am drowning.
The lesson that I have gotten from the last year is that I have to be patient with myself. I have to give myself credit for what I have worked on, give God the Glory for the Graces He pours on me, and live my life with joy regardless of what kind of chaos is exploding around me. I also have to remember to take care of my husband and kids. The evil one can twist anything good into something bad. He took a good fruit and turned it into the door that the first sin came into the world. Modesty can become shame, love can become obsession, conversion can become self-righteous judgment of others etc. etc. We have to be on constant watch to make sure that we are doing God’s will and not falling for a trap that was set before us by the enemy. We have to ask God to show us our faults and then we have to humble ourselves to confess them, accept His Mercy and Forgiveness and we have to forgive ourselves as well and move on. One foot in front of the other while keeping our eyes on our Lord, that is how we step out of the boat and walk on water to get to Him; one step at a time. He never gives up on us; I have to remember that and remember not to give up on myself or on anyone else either.
All Anyone Wants is to Be Validated
I’m going to say something very honestly because I feel that someone needs to say it. I am Catholic, and faithful to all the teachings of the Catholic Church. I understand the Sacrament of Marriage and I have come to understand why two people of the same-sex can not be in one. THAT BEING SAID: Christians, you have to understand that most gay people have been bullied at some point in their life by someone calling themselves a Christian and using all of those Bible verses to judge and condemn them. It is still happening. I’ve seen the stupidest memes going around in the last few days. (From both sides) the thing is that unless we listen to each other, we will not get anywhere and we will continue to hurt one another. The fact of the matter is that when you say that “every child deserves a mother and a father” what they hear is you saying is that they are deviants who will raise gay babies. It does not matter how many times you say that is not what you are saying, it doesn’t matter how many memes you post saying that you are their “friend” because what they hear you saying is that they are perverts. And some Christians are ACTUALLY saying that! WTF?! I understand the meaning of the word, and using that meaning means we are ALL perverts, because we are ALL sinners.
This debate makes me so sad because I really do feel like I’m in the middle of a bar fight between my family and my friends and everyone is throwing beer bottles at one another. My best friend’s son is gay, my closest friends are gay, my cousin is gay, my favorite hairdresser is so gay it is not even funny. I love them all and when you say things like “they are so wounded” I get why they want to punch you in the face. We are all wounded. Gay people are not any more wounded or blind than the rest of us. Most of ya’ll are pro-life, and would never tell a post abortive woman that she murdered her child to her face when counseling her, and if you do think that is ok, then shame on you and get to confession. Treat gay people with the same respect. And always remember that if you are representing our LORD then you are expected to act better. I’ve seen the 2 yr old “well they started it” BS going around too. It doesn’t matter, if you can’t enter into a discussion about same-sex marriage without coming off as a rude jerkface then don’t get into one, and if you do then please help the rest of us out and don’t claim to be Catholic. If you use Leviticus as your “Scripture Reference” then I’m talking to you.
As for online discussions, I would say that you have to remember that the internet is tone-deaf so when you type “homosexual” they are reading it and the voice in their head is saying it like the person who hurt them the most says it. That is just human tendency….
I really do not think that Christians ever really really put themselves in the shoes of gay people in this debate. And we have to if we are ever going to make the case that we love them, which is the case that as Catholics we should be trying to make. They will never allow us in their heart when they feel that we do not accept them the way they are. We have to meet people where they are, regardless of where that is. We have to listen more and talk less. Listen to their stories and not judge them and say in our minds “Oh THAT must be why he/she is gay”. I have seen what gay people endure in school. It is not pretty. It is horrific.
All of that is the evil one who wants us to stay in judgment mode, because the whole time he is tempting us with that he is whispering in their ear as well. He is reminding them of every single Christian who has ever hurt them in any way, and about all the news stories of how much Catholic suck. You are not fighting that person in front of you, regardless of what their issues are, you are in a battle with the evil one. I think that when we forget that, then we fail and start attacking the person we are talking to. That is sparky’s entire goal.
It is pride that makes us think that we have to “win” this debate and end the conversation with this person rejecting their ways of living and giving their life to Jesus right.now. or we have somehow failed. That is not true. God is working in this person’s life. How it all works out in the end is up to that person. Our salvation is not dependent on what they choose. God respects their free will to make their own choices, we have to respect that too. It is their life to live and their choices to make. God gave them that gift, who are we to take it away? Nobody, and we couldn’t do so no matter what. God does not call us to win debates, He calls us to serve. To serve everyone, regardless of their shortcomings.
4 years ago I was living with my boyfriend, going to swingers clubs, drinking myself stupid, neglecting my children and committing some of the most serious sins that a person can commit. Now, I’m sitting here in love with Jesus, and my life is a complete 180 from that life. God did this. I just got tired and quit fighting Him. He loves all the people we talk to more than we could ever even imagine to love them. He has a plan for them and for us, and all we have to do is trust in His love and that they will one day accept that plan. But for now, the most important thing to do with anyone who is lost is to listen to them, to love them, to hug them, to wash their feet and to serve them. All anyone wants is to be validated. Gay or straight, that is something we all want.
Today as we meditate upon the Passion of our Lord let us pray that He can forgive us for the sins that we all commit without knowing. It is at the foot of the Cross where Mercy is found. Let us draw from His Mercy and share it with others.
And the Theme for Lent 2013 is……
This Lent has been crazy. It started off crazy and it has continued on that same path of craziness. But unlike most years, this Lent is easy. I mean, not EASY, but not full of nightmares and meltdowns like every other year during Lent since I was confirmed. I’m learning some pretty valuable lessons. Like giving up cussing AND drinking in the same year, is not for wimps!
Speaking of Lenten Lessons (ha! That sounds like a good name for a book.) A few weeks ago I was in a Facebook, ummmm, girl fight, I guess you could call it that. I flew into an emotional rant about another person’s weaknesses on my wall and it was not very pretty. BUT the thing is that God is so good that he has used that moment in my bad judgment to teach me somethings about myself and about how to be a better Christian. Let me share a few of those lessons.
It doesn’t matter what other people think of me. Seriously, it doesn’t. I think that sparky (aka the evil one) knows that we have this need to belong and so he begins this attack on our self-perception that makes us want to be a certain way so that nobody thinks we are “bad”, whatever “bad” is to others. The problem is that when we fall for this lie we begin to make ourselves into people who we are not. And Facebook can be the pit fall here. We start posting about our wonderful life as if it’s all great all the time and there is nothing hard or difficult going on in our life. Or we start trying to please everyone, but because everyone is different we become 10 different people to please them all. And that is the goal. If sparky can trick us into not being ourselves then he wins because who we are is who God created us to be, and He created us that specific way because that is how we will spread the Word of God. So when we aren’t our true selves, then guess what? We are not living God’s Will for us. Boom! That is the evil one’s only goal; for us not to live the Will of God. And it all begins (in this instance) with caring what people think of us. I am going to quit worrying about what people think of me and start worrying about how to live God’s Will for my life.
I can’t begin to do that until I quit wanting to cut people who make me mad. When this little incident happened I fell asleep crying because I no longer know how to deal with people who make me mad. Before I was Catholic that was an easy answer; I would fight them. Literally. I was made fun of in school up until I moved from the town I grew up in to the Texas panhandle in High School. It was in the High School that I learned very quickly that fighting was a way to survive. Even if you got your butt kicked. That was better than people thinking you were a punk. But the problem is that now, that can’t be my solution. I want to punch people in the throat. And I can’t. And it makes me mad. But I can tell my Lord about it. That is the beauty of a God who became man. He knows. I handed Him all my anger, all my pain, all my confusion, and all my wanting to punch this person in the face, and I told Him honestly that I did not really like being Catholic at that moment. Like always, Jesus took all of that and He helped me.
Beginning with helping me forgive the men in my life. (Which is where a lot of my anger was rooted) Then He went on to help me not be so angry at people who disagree with me on issues like abortion, the Catholic Church, gay marriage, and all the other “hot button” issues. Suddenly I can talk to anyone, about anything and I don’t get mad. Well, that isn’t entirely true, I still haven’t been able to get to that point with über Catholics who think they are smarter than the Pope, but with God’s Grace, I will get there.
All of this made me think of St. Peter in the garden when he cut the soldier’s ear off. He must have felt just like I did when Jesus told him to put the sword down and the healed the guy! Only Jesus would do that. I have thought about that scripture for a long time. Why did Jesus do that? Where I went to High School that would be considered a betrayal. A lack of loyalty. But Jesus doesn’t betray us and He is always loyal to us, even to the point of laying on a Cross. So why would He do that? Because Jesus knew that we could not be instruments in building the Kingdom if we go around cutting everyone who hates Him. All that will do is build up hate in our hearts;
the complete opposite of what He died for.
Jesus further proved this as He sat and loved the men who were flogging Him and mocking Him. He didn’t tell them “I’m God, and you are going to PAY FOR THIS!!” No, He sat there and loved them through the pain of their blows and their words. He asked for God to forgive them because He knew that in reality, they had no idea what they were doing. If they did they would have fallen on their knees just like the Centurion did later. The same goes for the people who still mock Him, and His Church. They don’t know what they are doing. What we are commissioned to do is follow the example of our Lord and love them through the blows and words. Is it easy? No, but Jesus never said that it would be.
This is how we build the Kingdom. By speaking the Truth in Love. After 4 years of Fr. Jonathan saying this to me, I think that I am finally getting it. I am finally getting that I am in control of my actions. Nobody else is. That comes with great freedom and great responsibility. I can choose to be kind, even when the person I am talking to is spewing hatred about my beloved Pope. Going off on that person will not make them see the Truth any more than punching them in the face will make them see how loving Catholics are. It doesn’t make sense to try to do that. What makes sense is to realize that what people say doesn’t make truth the truth or make the truth false. The truth is either true or it isn’t, regardless of what anyone says. And my salvation does not depend on what truth someone else knows, or on whether they choose to follow Christ. Their salvation is not my responsibility. My only responsibility is to preach the Good News of Christ. Sometimes that requires words, sometimes it requires saying things that are not comfortable, sometimes it just requires having a cup of coffee with a pro-choice anti-Catholic atheist while talking about dogs or the weather. Maybe someday it will need a Joan of Arc type defense, but for now peace is the message I keep getting. Peace is the answer. Real peace, not sunshine and lollipops peace where we accept injustice because of twisted understanding of what is considered “judging”.
It seems like the theme of Lent 2013 for me is Peace. The Peace that only Christ our Lord can give.
What Pope Benedict Means to Me (by my 11 year old daughter)
Flea is my youngest daughter. Flea has been her nickname since she was a baby and I’m using that for her name as my guest blogger for this post. Flea has always been something else. She was a preemie, but you would never know it. She has always been a firecracker since she is the baby of 4 and the only girl. And she has me as a mother. Flea is everything that I always wanted to be. She is bold, confident and just all around comfortable in her own skin. She has wanted to be a nun since we were in RCIA and she saw the Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist on Oprah. She turned 8 during our preparation for Easter Vigil which meant that she could receive all of her Sacraments, or just be Baptized. After talking with her and her talking to Father we decided that she was very prepared for full initiation. What made that very clear was how she talked about the Eucharist. She knew that the Eucharist was Jesus and she wanted to receive Him. She has never wavered in her faith and is the most faithful Catholic child you could ever meet. She is not perfect, but she is faithful. She loves Christ and she will tell anyone without one single ounce of shame or embarrassment. She keeps me on my toes and holds me accountable as her mother. I love this child.
And here is her debut blog post:
Pope Benedict the 16th
What Pope Benedict means a lot to me because, he was the first pope when I became Catholic and when I found out he was pope I thought he was old and stuff, but I soon realized he is as sweet as candy! Pope Benedict is a sweet old man that I would love to meet. I am so sad that he is resigning, but then again can’t wait for the conclave! I know the only reason that he is stepping down if for the church but I wish he would stay. I hope Benedict will be remembered as much as the other Popes. My best wishes for His Holiness and for the Church at this hard time.
Love, Flea
Lent, my Baby Daddy and My ex-Husband
I was thinking of writing a very serious post on motherhood and how it can really be rough sometimes. But then I read this post by Simcha, and well, I changed my mind and decided to write this one.
Let me set it up for you. When I was 16 I got pregnant with my first child. His father’s name in Homer (not my best friend who died, Homer, but the father of my first child Homer. I know. It’s confusing.) Homer and I lived together for a short time and honestly, he tried to do the right thing. The problem was that he did not love me. Our relationship was based on sex. I loved him, or so I thought, but really I didn’t. I was using him too. I wanted to get away from my mom. Marriage was my way out. Things between us did not work out. It was a long drama filled story, but in the end we weren’t together and I was a single mother. He did not help me raise Anthony, and the only time that him or his family saw Anthony was when I took him to see them. But I did it because I wanted Anthony to know where he came from. I didn’t have a dad and I grew up feeling like I didn’t know where I came from; I didn’t want that for my son. I’m glad I did that. I love Homer’s family. His dad, Hector, was one of the nicest people I have ever met. He passed away last week and I knew that me taking Anthony over there his whole life was worth it when I saw him with his family at the funeral.
When I was 18 I moved to Houston and l met Ben. We knew each other for 2 weeks when we got married and we had a crazy 11 years of ups and downs together. We lost one baby and had 3 more back to back. There were a lot of hard times in our marriage, but they weren’t all Ben’s fault. I made my share of mistakes. I came with a lot of baggage and open wounds. So did Ben.
So fast forward to last Friday. The first Friday of Lent 2013. As Simcha said “Friggin’ Lent”. *sigh* My son, his girlfriend (who is 24 weeks pregnant. I guess I should write a post about THAT too.) and my daughter all drove from Austin to Amarillo for his biological grandfather’s funeral. That drive alone is a penance, going for a funeral is even worse, my baby daddy being there… well…you get the point. I was not looking forward to it. But hey, it’s Lent, so the timing couldn’t be more perfect. I knew in the depths of my soul that God was going to take this opportunity to teach me something.
After the funeral we all gathered at the parish to eat. Homer and his new girlfriend sat with us and we talked about Hector, Anthony, and life. As I sat there I realized that God has been working the whole time. Homer’s dad was a Catholic Deacon. He cried when I told him that Anthony had gotten his Sacraments. Maybe Homer didn’t honor me very much when I was 16 or even in the years after Anthony was born, but now he honors me as the mother of his child. Every time he would tell someone that Anthony was his son he would point to me and say “And this is his mother”. I couldn’t help but realize that I no longer hated him. I was not angry at him anymore. I felt sorry for him, I loved him as a friend. When did THAT happen?!
While we were eating I got a text from my ex-mother in law saying that my ex-husband was in jail in Amarillo. What are the chances?! The one weekend we are there, is the weekend that he got picked up. My son did not *want* to go and see Ben, but he knew he should. Ben is the only father he has ever known. As I sat in the lobby waiting for Anthony to come out from visiting with Ben I realized that again, I was no longer angry at him.
It was a very long weekend. Emotionally draining for me and especially for Anthony. I do feel that it was God showing him what all the roads he could take would lead to. There was the Homer road, where he would not know his child. The Ben road where he could not put his child’s needs above his own addictions or he could choose the road where he sacrifices his own wants for the needs of his family. He has always known that is the right thing to do, but Stacey has been the only example he has ever had of a man who does that.
I was even mad at Stacey when the weekend began. I don’t even remember what I was mad at him for.
Then it hit me. This quote:
On the drive home from Amarillo I realized that this is the place that I am in now spiritually. I no longer hurt. I love these men. They are a part of my life story, they are part of my kids lives, and they are a part of who I am.
This morning I woke up realizing not only that, but for all the ways in which these men used me, I used them too. I used them to make myself happy. And when they let me down, I would be angry and hate them. I didn’t want Homer or Ben because I was willing to sacrifice myself for their good, I wanted them to fill the hole in my heart. I wanted them to love me so that other women would be jealous of me, I wanted them to do romantic things that made other people feel bad, I wanted them to validate me, and mostly I wanted them to protect me. All of those things are things that I didn’t get from the two people who should have given it to me: my parents. And I used these men to try and get it. Even worse, I have used my husband as well.
But now, I see it. I have finally gotten through the list of all the other things I needed to work on and now I’m at this level of my conversion where I no longer see myself as a victim. Where I take responsibility for my own sinfulness. The place where I show mercy, love and forgiveness to Homer, Ben and even Stacey for their shortcomings. I also have to forgive myself.
The thing that I realized when reading Simcha’s post is that not only do I expect magic from God but I have expected it from all the men in my life. I expect them to prove to me that they love me. I expect God to prove to me that He loves me. See the parallels? I have relationship problems. I do not know how to relate to people or to God. But I am learning. Before last week, I had no clue that I had a problem. Which is kind of dumb, considering that all my relationships have failed at some point, but I am not really the brightest star in the sky sometimes.
So, here I am, learning how to be in a healthy relationship with God, my husband, my kids, my parish, the father of my child and my ex-husband. Relationships with everyone require sacrifice, service, order and purpose. I know that may be so obvious to people ,but not to me. Not until I spent this past weekend with the Holy Spirit helping me examine my past. It all became very clear as I started Lent by hanging out with my baby daddy.
(I know that many people hate the term “baby daddy”. But I come from the ghetto and it is my attempt at being funny while talking about something that is very serious to me and hurts like a old bruise. At least it isn’t a gaping wound anymore. )
