7 Quick Takes Fall Edition

7_quick_takes_sm1

1.

I don’t know if I say this in a blog post every fall, but I seriously just lose every bit of energy around the end of October every year. I already have low energy levels as it is, but something about this beautiful mild weather just gets me ready for fuzzy sock, hot chocolate and I stock up on books like a squirrel packs nuts. I don’t know when it happened, but fall is when I just slow down and chill. It really throws a wrench in a lot of plans, but I get some good naps and hopefully this fall my book will get done somewhat. I’m yawning now.

2.

I have become so in love with “my face when” pictures. I keep finding new ones and coming up with clever lines to go with them. But I love ones that are already made, they make my day so much better when it is going down the toilet.

1393353625432

download

kermit-frog-face

Bwahahahaha!!! I laugh every time.

3.

This week has just been cray. So much so that I’ve been working on this post for 3 hours… and this is how far I’ve gotten.

4.

I have a really urgent prayer request but I can’t say anything about it at all. God knows though, so just say “I am sending this prayer for that crazy face’s intention” and He will take it.

5.

Today is my husband’s birthday. I love that man. We have been in each other’s lives since I was 4 years old and being his wife never gets old, but he does. Bwahahaha!! Just kidding, he’s not old.

6.

The special intention is for the first Red Door Foundation client. This is a project that is going to take a lot of my time, energy and funds. I really won’t be able to do much else for a while, that is how big it is and why I’m asking for prayers.

7.

I have meant to close up my sex talk posts, and just haven’t gotten around to it. Mostly because I don’t really think there is a whole post there. Basically, I thought that a lot of my marital issues were stemmed from issues with Church teaching on sexuality. But I was wrong. I still hold that some things are not wrong to use in the marriage bed, but I really no longer have a dog in that fight. My issue was not sex, it is that I am codependent and have no clue how to truly love myself or care for myself. I’m not taking those posts down, because I still stand by them, I just don’t want anyone to think that I am advocating for kinky sex. That isn’t the case my point was that some things can be used in the marital bed when a couple is in a good place and knows that there is no chance of them using or objectifying each other. That isn’t easy to do in some circumstances, like mine where I came from the background that I did. Anyway, it is what it is, but I won’t be talking about sex again anytime soon.

For more Quick Takes go see Jennifer at Conversion Diary!!!!

How To Love

It seems like some people think that I’m “ok” with my life in slutville. And that my last blog post was all about me,me,me. Yeah it kind of is, because all I know is my conversion. I can’t speak to others conversions. I do not think that my life was “ok”, if I did there would be no need for repentance, confession or a Redeemer. It didn’t feel good to feel unloved, longing for love, being heart-broken when the next guy used me and left me, anyone who thinks that needs a little heartbreak in their life. It also didn’t feel good to be raped at the age of 5. So that’s kind of rude. But I get that a lot of people like to sit on their high horse and never consider the pain of another and how Christ heals that pain and He does great things to let us know that we are loved, like die on a Cross for us. And give me a wedding dress from Goodwill, a wedding day with fathers I never thought I would have and a husband who loves me more than I deserve. He doesn’t want us to live a life of pain. Suffering has its value, but not because it is painful, but because it teaches us that through it we can come to know that God loves us more than anything and that He can make things new through that suffering.

I once had someone tell me that when Jesus said for us to be perfect as Our Father in Heaven is perfect that He didn’t mean to be the most pious person alive, He meant for us to be whole. That blew my mind because I have lived my entire life broken. I often felt like Humpty Dumpty waiting for all the King’s men to put me back together. When I encountered Christ, I found my King and all of those who love me and support me and challenge me to be better than my former self are His men that are helping put me back together, piece by piece.

I do not know how to blog any other way than to speak of my brokenness, my pain, my redemption and the things the Jesus Himself has done for me. Does it make me feel good when the Creator of the Universe lets me know that I am loved? Umm, yes, it does. And if you don’t feel good when that happens, then you need some serious miracles in your life. Ask God for them, He loves surprising us and making us feel His Love.

The problem in my old life wasn’t that I thought anything that I was doing was ok. At one point I did try to make myself believe that it was ok, but every time that I sat alone in the quiet of the night feeling the giant hole in my heart I knew better. I knew that what I was longing for was not being found in the meaningless sex that I was having. For a split second when a man was buying my drinks and hitting on me telling me that I was beautiful, or telling me how funny I was it saw a glimpse of what it was that I was looking for. But then as soon as they got what they wanted, they were out and I was alone again. Nothing about that moment felt good.

One night one of the toughest men in town, a man who other people feared, bought me 4 dozen roses (or more, I don’t remember exactly) and had them put all over my bar top as a sign of his “wanting” me. I knew this man was not good for me, that he was known for being a playa, but having that kind of show was nice. And I fell for it. A few weeks later I was getting loans to give him money which I ended up finding out was for him to take his baby momma to Six Flags and buy her a tattoo with. I felt so stupid and used and I hated everything about myself at that point. So, no, I don’t think that I was “ok” or that my life was just fine and no seeing a nun sing “Like A Virgin” doesn’t make me feel good about my mistakes. I own them all.  But what it does do is help me realize that I had no clue how to love. I didn’t know how to love myself, God, my kids or anyone else for that matter. I was broken, not “ok” and God’s mercy is putting me back together so that I can be whole. He did not make me broken, He made me whole and this journey, this conversion, is about reconciling myself, who I really am, back to Him so that I can be who HE made me in the first place. What He does for me, what He gives me is better than a thousand roses. For one thing, He gave me my husband and that right there is how He proves that He loves me every day of my life.

christ-crucified

 

My first instinct is to be mad and hurt that anyone would take my post to mean that I just want to feel good. Because that is complete bullshit. I look at my Lord and Savior hanging on a Cross and know that Love like that isn’t meant to always feel good. What I want is to learn how to love.

 

 

Like a Virgin

Have you seen the video of the singing nun doing a remake of Like a Virgin? No? Ok, well go watch it and then come back. I’ll wait…..

 

 

 

Calah asked people for their opinions on it, so I had to blog about it to answer her.

I get that a lot of people are going to think that is creepy and I would say that if you don’t like it, then keep moving and don’t ever listen to it again. Not everything is made to speak to each one of us. But for me, it spoke to me in a loud way. It’s ok if you don’t like it or don’t get it. Really, it is ok. It’s a nun singing a song, there is no need to die on this hill.

After my life living in slutville, most of which was also lived with the mind of a fundamental protestant voice telling me how impure I was, it was very hard to me to understand that I was still good.  Not in my actions, but in my being. God created me good. Not just to be good. There was no way that I could ever earn or work for His forgiveness. It is a Grace. Confession is about healing, not about earning anything. It is about taking personal responsibility for the things that I am responsible for,  hearing about the things that I am not responsible for and so that the words of forgiveness can  enter my ears and heal my heart.

I had given up on the dream of having a church wedding with a white dress and a veil. I had just assumed that we would have a quiet little wedding in the chapel and that would be that. I had messed up. I was damaged goods. When we sat down to talk to Father about our wedding plans I told him that I had found a wedding dress at Goodwill for $50, but it was white. I had found it way before Stacey had proposed, but it fit perfect, was beautiful and it was FIFTY BUCKS so I bought it. I hid it from Stacey for a long time because I was crazy to even buy it in the first place. Father told me that I could in fact wear it because the white was a symbol of purity and that God in His Mercy had made me pure Himself. I was pretty shocked. I also didn’t believe him at all, but YEY! I would get to wear my dress.

I had made so mistakes in my 33 years of life. I had lost my virginity at 5 technically and then at 14 I had chosen to give my body to a man who should have been put in jail for even thinking of having sex with a 14-year-old child.  I was the furthest from being a virgin on my wedding day. I knew it. I felt it.

When I first looked in the mirror on my wedding day after getting dressed I didn’t see a beautiful bride. I saw a fake. A poser. I was trying to be Catholic but I knew where I had been and what I had done. There was no way that I should be standing there thinking that I was anything other than the same person who had let countless (seriously, I do not know how many) men use me. Maybe they were all assholes, but it still had been my choice, out of stupidity, to give myself to them.

As I stood in the Narthex of my parish to wait for someone to come get me to walk to the chapel I wondered what my life would have been like if I had a dad. It was so quiet in there and I could feel God, but I still wanted a dad to look at me and tell me that I was good in words. I turned around with my veil swinging to one side and there was Noe. He said  “you look beautiful Mija” and had tears in his eyes. He gave me a hug and walked off. It was in that moment that I finally felt like a virgin. Not because of anything sexual at all, but because I felt like I finally understood that it was because of Jesus that I was a new person. A person who could walk down that aisle and put all of those things behind me and give myself fully to my husband.

“Behold, I make all things new” ~ Jesus

382144_10200114233006468_2105317500_n

Everything that I had done in the past was over. I was here now, and I was getting married. My uncle and my son walked me down the aisle and gave me away to my husband and Father was there waiting to celebrate our wedding Mass. I was the fatherless girl and here I stood with 3 fathers at my wedding; my uncle, Noe, and Fr. J. God the Father had heard me and had made it a point to let me know that I am good, not because of anything that I have done, but because He made me that way. When I messed up, He was waiting there to help clean me up again by washing me in His Mercy.

So when I saw this video I didn’t have to do mental gymnastics at all. I know exactly what Sister is trying to do. It worked for me. I know how it feels to think that you are too damaged, that all your sins are too much for God to take away and what it feels like to feel cleansed once you realize that there are no sins that are too much for God to forgive.

I also know what it’s like to hear love songs and think of Jesus. Marriage is an icon of the Trinity and sex is an expression of that Love. Not that God is sexual, we know that, but it is one way that we express with our bodies that icon. That is why sex is sacred. If you think that virginity is only talked about in a sexual way, then what do you say about Jesus telling the parable of the virgins and their lamps?

I don’t get why anyone thinks this is creepy, but my guess is that maybe they haven’t made the mistakes that I have or something. But I love it. It makes me cry because I am so grateful that God gave me the Grace to find Him. I don’t know why , why I have the support system that I do and not everyone else does. I’m not any better than them, but I am so so grateful for it.

When I was young I loved this song and longed to be a virgin instead of the slut that I was. I don’t really know why I “get it”. But I do know that it’s beautiful to me. I also tend to have more moments of intense Love for God while listening to secular songs than I do listening to Christian music.

 

I made it through the wilderness
Somehow I made it through
Didn’t know how lost I was
Until I found you

This to the millionth power.

7 Quick Takes Vlog style about Wounds, People Throwing Shade and Everything Else

I need to talk more. I am the most socially awkward person alive right now, so I decided to Vlog my Quick takes this week. It’s awful, but I didn’t want to redo it because I laughed so hard at how crazy I am and figured others may need a laugh. I apologize for how long it is, I know there is probably a rule about that, but I suck at rules.

I have a radio interview on Tuesday, you can listen to it live here, it will be a 9am. Please pray for me.

 

10527901_10103822699596186_1683800346195071863_n

It is my favorite season in Texas, Boot season! WHOOT!

Astrid, me and my grand daughter Aaliyah! It was a great way to start the day.

Astrid, me and my grand daughter Aaliyah! It was a great way to start the day.

 

Here is a link to Leila’s Blog Post that I mentioned.

 

Go see Jennifer for more Quick Takes! PEACE!

The Deaf Can’t Hear

I hear the word “disordered” all the time when talking about gay people and I really would like for people to stop using it as if gay people are the only ones walking around disordered. We are all disordered because we all sin and all sins are disordered.

I suffer from anger, laziness and selfishness among a lot of other habitual sins and they are all disordered because they are not part of God’s plan for my life. They show themselves in all kinds of ways especially my snark and coveting of other people’s lives and material things (and babies). We are all marked by original sin. It is called Concupiscence.

Concupiscence:  is an ardent, usually sensual, longing. In Catholic theology, concupiscence has the name “Fomes peccati”, as the selfish human desire for an object, person, or experience.

If you are a human being then you have a desire for things that lead you away from God and that desire is at the root of every single sin of yours and mine. And it is a disorder. Not just gay people, but everyone.

It is always easy for us to justify our sins and find the reasons for them and then turn around and think the sinner next to us is really messed up. It may just be me, but even when I sit in the confession line I do it. I sit there listing all the ways that I have failed to love my neighbor and before you know it I’m looking at the person next to me and thinking “man, that lady seems grumpy, she must be….” And there goes my examination of my neighbor’s conscience. When I finally click then it just gets added to the list of my own sins.

It could be because of my own personal experience with people in my life who are gay. I have seen the pain that they go through, the fear of not being accepted and the tears that they have shed when people told them that they were going to go to hell if they didn’t “repent”. I know that words like “disorder” and “repent” all have meaning, true, unemotional meanings, but when someone has heard the people they love most use those words to attack them, then those words take on a different meaning. There is power in words. There is a reason that I flat-out say that I was a hoe, and that is because never will anyone make that obvious statement to me and it hurt me. Kind of like Fat Amy.

16425

Not everyone is aware of why certain words hurt them. And if what we are saying is adding their wounds, then what good does that do? We feel good about proclaiming the truth even if that truth is said in a way that hurts someone else? And I don’t mean it hurts them because they are sinners and don’t want to hear that, I mean hurts them because someone used those words as weapons on them once before.

Jesus made things simple for people to understand without comprising the truth many times, mostly in parables. (one hint as to who exactly had an issue with that approach) It isn’t a new thing. None of this is new. People will twist anything to make it sound the way that they want, it’s what humans do. No matter what, it will get twisted. It’s been like that ever since sin was introduced to the world. We cannot worry about that really, it’s happening. Souls of those who don’t feel welcome into the one place where their hearts can rest are being lost every day. Instead of those of us in the Church being concerned about the Church teachings changing, or being twisted, we should worry about those who are walking around this world in despair who feel like they have nowhere to take that pain. I have lived in that darkness. I know people still living in it. I want them to come to the place where I found love like I’ve never known in my life. Do I want the Church to stop speaking the truth? No, I want them to be healed by love so that they can hear the truth. Sin makes us blind and deaf; you can’t speak truth to a deaf person and expect them to hear you. Jesus was capable of healing people, hearing their confession and forgiving their sins all at one time, but He is Jesus, we ain’t.

I hope that at the end of the day we all realize that we all want the same thing and that is for the lost to find God inside the Catholic Church and that the how is what we are debating. We will figure it out, one way or another Holy Spirit will figure it out, but for now, we just need to drink a little wine and laugh. Tomorrow will be a post on lipstick or kittens or something.